I decided to set Twitter on fire this afternoon with a new topic I’d like to call #confesstoKristy, in which I asked ‘If a girl pays for you on a first date, how does that make you feel? Honestly.’
I had a huge range of responses, with most men feeling they should pay, no matter what; expressing they felt ’emasculated’ or ‘weird’ about a girl paying. Some men remarked that it’s 2012 and if a woman wants to pay – power to her!
I am pretty quick on the draw. My credit card flies onto the table before you can say ‘Bill please’ or ‘check’ and even if I know I have zilch in my bank account, I am happy to pay. For some reason I abhor going Dutch, it feels decidedly clinical. (I’m sure one of you will come back to me with the psychology on that!).
As much as I am happy to pay, it is extremely irritating if my generosity gets taken advantage of and I am forever footing the bill – it happens and of course, I know plenty of men who are stuck in the same cycle. I feel you.
Now for some more honesty, that I am sure will have me unfollowed by all my feminist sisters – I really love it when a guy does insist on paying, as much as I love being independent, it’s really nice to stop and feel ‘taken care of’ at times. Confusing much? Yes men, I can understand how crazy this jungle you are trying to reign is.
I guess a first date is more complicated than a simple search for chemistry?! As much as we try to pretend that we’re not on show, we are. Therefore, if a woman pays, does that mean she has ‘issues’ and needs to ‘wear the pants’ as one of my twitter followers suggested? And if a man let’s her, he has ‘an inability to provide and can’t be relied upon’, as another tweep suggested?
I don’t believe either. What I do want to know is – if a woman pays why does it matter so much?! Has she inadvertently sealed the date with the kiss of death? Does it come down to ego? Or does a man decipher a woman paying to mean there’ll be no second date? You are in effect paying to be rid of them, or thanking them for their time.
To confuse the matter even more, (I know I’m not alone on this) I, along with a range of women have a strong allergy to doorknobs. I do notice when a man opens the door or allows me to walk first, in fact, I prefer it. In that case, by me paying, am I turning convention upside down and stripping a man of his ‘role’, confusing him further, leading him to wait for me to open the door for him?
I gotta admit, if a man lacks chivalry and lets me pay, then I’m calling Houston and you better believe my girl friends are telling me to kick you to the kerb but should a man’s friends be doing the same? Telling him to throw me back into the sea because I did pay?! Fair is fair, right?
When there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry. It’s undeniable and a surefire way to ensure a second date but can a first date ruin what looked like a promising relationship all thanks to who gets the bill?
I know it hasn’t bid me well, what about you?
kristybestonline.wordpress.com 
Your theme song is now ‘Maybe I Think Too Much’ by Paul Simon.
Yeah, regardless of if a girls wants to pay or not you have to make a big deal about it as it’s just kind of sleazy?.. not to pay, I guess. Guys are one’s who should be chasing the girls and trying to impress them so if a girl does this I usually think she wants to just be friends, which is not good news. A girl just being your company for the evening should be enough for the first few encounters, then when the “relationship” kicks off the roles balance out a bit. I hate the idea of a sweet girl really liking a real jerk of a guy who sits back and lets her pay for a meal cause he knows he can. Happens alot from what I hear.
Hey, I’d go on a date with you. Girls that pay are cool That’s all I’m saying. It’s like karma rebalancing for all the girls that have enjoyed me paying for drinks, then f.o’ed 10 minutes later…
Great blog. On twitter I said I might feel a bit weird but I would feel alright about it if on future dates I could take care of the bill too.
When I say I would feel weird, it’s not that I would have a problem with it, it’s just that society has given men and women specific expectations I might feel like I’m doing something wrong by flying in the face of those expectations.
That being said I’m all for breaking the social norm and getting over my own uncomfortable feelings, so if you want to pay on the first date then have at it.
I’ll add that the idea of it being a deal breaker if the woman wants to pay seems crazy to me.
I suppose for guys it has to do with how secure they are about their masculinity.
I, like you, am quick on the draw- but every time a man has given me back the CC and said “don’t even think about it”, he has earned himself copious amounts of brownie points.
To be honest, a man who lets me pay- even Dutch style- gives off a bad impression. I know all my feminist sisters are glaring at this as they read it, but it feels really nice to be “taken care of” and spoilt- especially at the start of a relationship (or whatever it may eventuate into).
It depends on the individual. I am extremely spontaneous and so as the relationship evolves, I find myself cooking for him, surprising him, doing all sorts of random things, so before it gets “comfortable”, its nice that he has made the effort and shown you that he deserves your time and energy. Also, I am used to being “intimidating” (so I have been told) so for me, a man who can confidently make decisions and not let me wear the pants is really attractive. Obviously I am expanding beyond the “who pays” concept. I just feel like I am wearing the pants, or I will be in control, if Im the one paying. Chivalry is not completely dead is it?!
It is a great topic Kristy!
If there’s chemistry then it probably won’t matter one bit. Good relationships are well balanced, and if the ‘her’ party is paying the first date and it’s a mutual invitation to a second then great.
It definitely depends on the circumstances of the date and the intention of the gesture. Knowing you I’m sure you’ll be fine. (Make for a Seinfeld ep though huh?)
Never thought I’d quote Stephen Donaldson but I think the quote “In accepting the Gift you Honor the Giver” applies here. Thanks for inspiring the thoughts.
great quote, I’ll have to remember that one!
You abhor going Dutch because of your Burgher heritage.
Try flipping a coin when it’s time to pay. See if it works out any better than trying to think your way through.
You could avoid the whole situation by doing a runner. If he runs with you then you’ve got someone special.
I’m not sure how the blood running through my veins influences my decisions…I haven’t been brought up within that culture but I guess you could be right, being half Australian half Sri-Lankan/Spanish/Welsh/Dutch is probably exactly why I hate splitting the bill :p I just want something in my life to be ‘whole’ haha
If a Gentleman asks a Lady to dinner, she is his guest and should be treated accordingly. This includes the opening doors, checking of coats, making sure she gets home safely (I’m talking about getting a cab here guys, no funny business…), AND paying the bill.
Is this old fashioned? Yes.
Going dutch spoils any fellas attempt at Chivalry (note the capitalization). Give the guy at least one shot at it. I
If it doesn’t work out, he’s at least put his best foot forward and she gets to say ‘I had dinner with a very nice man last night’.
If it does go well you can always buy him a drink at a bar later.
Having said that;
A casual date for drinks is strictly a round by round scenario. He pays, then you pay. Simple.
It depends on the which scenario you feel most comfortable with. (Drinks are always good for the ‘Ooh is that the time?/I’ve got an early start/have to drive” factor)
If you like a lad enough to have dinner, give him the chance to be a proper gent. If he stuffs it up, at least you both gave it a shot.
How about the idea someone else pays. No, l’m not talking 80s style corporate bloaters, but as an occasional food reviewer l get to invite friends new and old to the table and my editors pick up the tab. Nice work if you can get it, l guess, and it takes all the angst out of the bill moment. If you ever want to test the concept when you’re in Melbourne, Kristy, give me a holler! As for opening doors, l like doing that too, but revolving doors are problematic … it’s the separation anxiety perhaps, being trapped in a loveless turn while your date ends up in the adjacent glass segment, haha.