So you’re single. Do you like the 80’s?

I attended an eighties movie double last night. They were playing Risky Business and the film that lead to my childhood obsession with Molly Ringwald, Sixteen Candles.

It was during Sixteen Candles that it hit me – eighties films have shaped my concept of men. Oh god! Why did I not realise this sooner!

As I watched Molly’s character, Samantha swoon over heart-throb Jake Ryan, I realised that Jake too was my first crush. I fell in love with Jake sitting on my Aunt’s couch on any given weekend, watching my favourite John Hughes film’s on repeat. I would have been about seven and I couldn’t wait to turn sixteen and materialise into Molly Ringwald, with her gorgeous freckles and super cool clothes and of course have my first kiss with someone like Jake….*sigh*

So, how did eighties films shape what I look for in a man? Well, Jake is the epitome of preppy and it is no secret I have a penchant for ‘preppy’ men (Tom Cruise in Risky Business is also a Country Club kid). I am also obsessed with cars (both Jake and Tom Cruise drive a Porsche in these films) AND I love eighties music, which is kinda besides the point, but all I’m trying to say is – Jake Ryan has ruined me, because Jake is a character John Hughes made up and ladies, Jake does not exist…Well, I certainly can’t find him.

When Jake opens the passenger door for Samantha at the end of the film, my girl friends and I all sighed and mumbled ‘where’s my Jake?’. Ladies, Jake is an actor and no man will ever be that perfect. You might find a nice ‘John’ or ‘David’ and he may even open the door for you but JAKE! The hottest guy at school that tracks you down at your crazy sister’s wedding and drives you away in a red Porsche to have a private sweet sixteenth birthday celebration – Does. Not. Exist.

PLUS you’re not sixteen anymore, you’re like, thirty or close to, and you are now dating men the same age or older (some of you lucky things are cougars) and men at times can be as romantic as a smack in the face with a frozen pack of Lean Cuisine.

How do we fix this? We don’t. We can’t.

Do you know what needs to change? You.

“No I don’t, I’m flipping awesome!” I hear you say.

You’re awesome. I agree. A good chunk of you reading this are my friends, and I KNOW you are the bombdiggity but riddle me this sexy ladies –

Do you meet your criteria? If you were to put the same expectations on yourself, are you hot enough? Smart enough? Ambitious enough? Successful enough?

Would it upset everyone if I suggested that maybe, just maybe, the right guy is hard to find because we’re expecting him to fill all the cavities in our lives that we could in fact improve alone?

For example, if you want a successful man, maybe you need to strive to be more successful yourself? Maybe you want a rich guy to ride in on his Porsche? Then, maybe you should be aiming to buy your own sportscar?! I’m just saying, maybe, in some situations, certainly not for everyone, finding a man is impossible because you’re setting expectations for someone else that you wouldn’t apply to yourself.

“There’s no man in Maserati“. That’s my little mantra. I like it because I think it says one simple thing – don’t expect a man to do what you can do yourself. If I want a Maserati, I should buy it. Much like if you expect your ideal man to be wealthy, intelligent and good-looking – isn’t it fair to expect the same from yourself?

Now I realise all of this doesn’t apply to romance because that is really why we’re sighing during romantic films, but besides the *spoiler alert* kissing over the cake moment at the end of Sixteen Candles, Jake doesn’t actually do anything romantic for Sam. He literally turns up! That was enough! Imagine if that is all we expected? Any man could do that!! Jake finds out she likes him, has this weird break up with his prom queen girlfriend and TURNS UP!

I still would love a guy to open his car door for me and bake me a cake for my birthday (just like Jake, though Jake’s chef probably baked it) BUT I’m not too sure how comfortable I’d be reversing the roles to be Samantha – car-less, in an awful bridesmaids dress and suffering a family that forgot her sixteenth birthday. To really find Prince Charming you’d have to be the damsel in distress and I’m not sure any of us want to open the door to that kind of drama!

Maybe instead of longing for Jake Ryan, it’d be better to be Jake Ryan! Or, expect a man to work out you like him and simply ‘turn up’.

K xx

Date me – I’ll pay!

I decided to set Twitter on fire this afternoon with a new topic I’d like to call #confesstoKristy, in which I asked ‘If a girl pays for you on a first date, how does that make you feel? Honestly.’

I had a huge range of responses, with most men feeling they should pay, no matter what; expressing they felt ’emasculated’ or ‘weird’ about a girl paying. Some men remarked that it’s 2012 and if a woman wants to pay – power to her!

I am pretty quick on the draw. My credit card flies onto the table before you can say ‘Bill please’ or ‘check’ and even if I know I have zilch in my bank account, I am happy to pay. For some reason I abhor going Dutch, it feels decidedly clinical. (I’m sure one of you will come back to me with the psychology on that!).

As much as I am happy to pay, it is extremely irritating if my generosity gets taken advantage of and I am forever footing the bill – it happens and of course, I know plenty of men who are stuck in the same cycle. I feel you.

Now for some more honesty, that I am sure will have me unfollowed by all my feminist sisters – I really love it when a guy does insist on paying, as much as I love being independent, it’s really nice to stop and feel ‘taken care of’ at times. Confusing much? Yes men, I can understand how crazy this jungle you are trying to reign is.

I guess a first date is more complicated than a simple search for chemistry?! As much as we try to pretend that we’re not on show, we are. Therefore, if a woman pays, does that mean she has ‘issues’ and needs to ‘wear the pants’ as one of my twitter followers suggested? And if a man let’s her, he has ‘an inability to provide and can’t be relied upon’, as another tweep suggested?

I don’t believe either. What I do want to know is – if a woman pays why does it matter so much?! Has she inadvertently sealed the date with the kiss of death? Does it come down to ego? Or does a man decipher  a woman paying to mean there’ll be no second date? You are in effect paying to be rid of them, or thanking them for their time.

To confuse the matter even more, (I know I’m not alone on this) I, along with a range of women have a strong allergy to doorknobs. I do notice when a man opens the door or allows me to walk first, in fact, I prefer it. In that case, by me paying, am I turning convention upside down and stripping a man of his ‘role’, confusing him further, leading him to wait for me to open the door for him?

I gotta admit, if a man lacks chivalry and lets me pay, then I’m calling Houston and you better believe my girl friends are telling me to kick you to the kerb but should a man’s friends be doing the same? Telling him to throw me back into the sea because I did pay?! Fair is fair, right?

When there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry. It’s undeniable and a surefire way to ensure a second date but can a first date ruin what looked like a promising relationship all thanks to who gets the bill?

I know it hasn’t bid me well, what about you?

I like him but does he like me back?

I’ll be honest, I have Googled – ‘How to tell if he likes you’.

If you’re honest, you’ll probably admit to doing this too.

You can sit there, shake your head and pretend you haven’t – I KNOW YOU HAVE.

Crushing on someone who has no clue you like them, usually leads to this kind of behaviour.

This rush of teenage girly excitement has you living the optimistic life of those that see the glass half full. Regardless of the fact that you initiate all texts,emails and catch-ups, you’re hopeful that some Blog out there is going to tell you that he hasn’t made a move because he’s scared of commitment, or in need of ‘time’; that he definitely likes you, in fact he really likes you, and don’t feel bad for scribbling his name across your post-it note pad whilst you were on a work call this morning, he’s probably doing the same thing, he’s just too shy to tell you.

Like most women, I know how to pick them – it’s a curse – He’s still in love with his ex, has just started a new job and hasn’t time to commit, or has major anger management issues and punched a wall on the first date (which obviously expels him from any further dates). Yep. Sometimes it feels like you’re on Candid Camera …. Finally, when you do find a guy you really like, that has you grinning from ear to ear – he doesn’t like you back. You are not alone! This crazy business is standard. We are all in the same boat and regardless of how fabulous, intelligent or attractive you are – you have filled these shoes at some point in your life or are wearing these smelly hand-me-downs right this minute.

Being single is like living in a Soapie. Your drama filled dates become the focus of all girly pow wows and hey, regardless of how awful the dates you have are – the laughter filled debrief’s are worth it.  But when you like someone who you’re yet to go on an actual date with, you spend a great deal of time obsessing over where you and he are at. You  and your friends dissect all his texts, have a slideshow viewing of his pics from Facebook and regurgitate every conversation you’ve had with him, all  in attempt to fossick for signs. Signs that he may like you too but c’mon ladies! What in the name of Riggins are we doing?!

We are wasting a hell of a lot of time and energy! That’s what! I did some Googling (again) and I read a wide array of Blogs and articles from how to know if a guy likes you (make sure you read this to the end, because this guy let’s you in on how his girlfriend kept him and it had nothing to do with her amazing conversation)  to why you’re not married and apart from feeling entirely discouraged about the future of my dating life, I was lead to one conclusion – If he likes you, you’ll know.

If he likes you, you won’t have to chat about it with friends and look for an ‘x’ at the end of a text. You will know! He’ll step up to the plate, he’ll ask you out and you’ll do more than the first awkward dinner and go figure – he’ll generally want to see you as much as you want to see him!

All that energy you just expelled, would have been better put into the relationships you already have, the ones that actually exist with your friends and family. I’m not saying you can’t spend a little time imagining what it’d be like to go out with him – just don’t let it take over your life.

I know it’s hard to switch that part of your brain off that is constantly thinking about your crush, but you have to. Focus on other things! Hang out with your friends. Work on your own projects. Live your life! I have been boy crazy for as long as I can remember, so I am that girl who needs to hear this the most! But think about it – if you can just find a way to redirect that radar to add to your life, instead of detract from it – you will be much happier
and happy people are attractive people! Win/win!

You are not doomed! You will find it when you least expect it. That old saying has stood the test of time for a reason. Take the pressure off,  worry about the bigger picture, and watch everything fall into place. When you’re busy doing what you love doing – you’ll meet him; or that guy you were obsessing about, might come back! A lot can change in 6 months to a year and sometimes people just aren’t ready! The more you push – the further you push them away.

You know that guy you went on a date with last year that was too keen? Do you remember how off-putting that was? That is you. Right now. Stop it.

Or, if you really, really want to know if he likes you – just ask! Cut to the chase, cut out the drama and get the tears out-of-the-way.

I like him but does he like me back?

You know the answer to that.

It’s not me, it’s you, you crazy, crazy person….

It’s Summer! Old friends return home, new friends are on the rise and romance! Well, what would Summer be without a fling?!

Amidst all the socializing, drinking, dancing and goodness knows what else (you kids these days…) it is important to remember that emotions can be a little heightened…To say the least.

We have all just survived Christmas with our families and are about to welcome a new year where we vow not to date another loser, befriend one more bunny boiler or max out our many credit cards. Expectations are high and for crying out loud we’ve had a pretty cold year and that Bikini body you were hoping to pull out at North Bondi didn’t quite happen.

You’re feeling the pressure to be super human and turn your whole life around after midnight NYE and that mixed in with the heat and alcohol can make people somewhat irrational and a tad bit sensitive.

What am I talking about? Here’s an example –

You walk into an NYE party and you bump into one of your oldest friends ‘Rob’. Rob introduces you to his new girlfriend and for some unknown reason, she is the ultimate ice queen. Instantly you have been frozen out – just like that. Was it something you said, or didn’t say? Did he tell her you guys had a drunken pash at Justin’s house a few years back? Or maybe he accidentally called her your name this morning in the car? Whatever it is don’t stress, it doesn’t matter, for this is the perfect moment to tell yourself. It’s not me, it’s you, you crazy, crazy person.

Don’t let someone else’s ‘issue’ ruin your night. Insecurity is like a virus. One person has it, then they pass it on by form of an inappropriate comment or rude behaviour and voilà you’re the host body, spending the night obsessing over why someone didn’t like you.

Insecurity is ugly and from time to time we fail to recognise it rearing its horrible head, making you obsess over the most pathetic snide comment or turning you into a jealous moron.

“I hate her!” um…why? What did she do? Was she rude to you? Did she tell you she hated your dress? What was it? “It’s just something about her”.

Now, let’s be honest girls. You’ve said those words when you’ve really wanted to say – Joseph said he had a crush on her before we met, or, she and Matty text each other too much or, she’s got a better body than me.

This is the exact moment you need to remind yourself that how you feel about this person, is purely about you, not them. They haven’t done anything to you, except for existing and the only way for you to get over your dislike for them, is to get over your dislike for yourself! That’s right! Give me a talk show and call me Dr Phil because the buck stops with you! When you feel this kind of behaviour bubbling to the surface it is your responsibility to remember you’re the problem – not them.

Women aren’t the only culprits in these situations. Men do it too. Let me introduce you to a little something called ego. Needing to be the King of the jungle tends to make men hate other men who are pretty much carbon copies of themselves. Of course men dislike men that they think are douchebags too but from my experiences, men generally are better at disguising it, choosing to use their dislike for someone as motivation to be better than them.

The need to feel valid and special makes us all feel and be stupid at times. No one is perfect. Sticks and stones can hurt and their marks can last for months, sometimes years, that’s why it’s important that you reign it in! If someone makes life difficult for you this Summer remember our little phrase – it’s not me, it’s you. If you start feeling like someone else is reminding you that you’re insecure about the size of your butt, your relationship with your partner or how successful you are? Well, they didn’t make you feel that way – you allowed yourself to. and frankly you are being the crazy, crazy person that’s ruining someone else’s night as well as your own.

Make a new years resolution to improve what you believe to be ‘missing from your life’, so you don’t spend next Summer comparing and feeling insecure, when you should be enjoying the Holidays.

Happy New Years friends and do make it a good one. Share the love and leave the craziness for the dancefloor!

‘Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent’ – Eleanor Roosevelt